Habits

I just reached my one-year anniversary of being in San Francisco and so much has happened and yet I feel so little has happened. I am falling — knowingly — into the old pattern of viewing milestones through goalposts. There were things I’d hoped would have happened, gotten started, been solved by now. What did I *do* this entire year?

And then, I suppose, I have to remind myself that I broke up with a boyfriend and moved across the country and arrived here and started a new job in a new place and so perhaps a few things that are status quo are actually successes. But if not, are you allowed to be comforted by failure?

I use a couple of tracker apps to share my PII/manage/monitor my habits and ensure that the things I’ve chosen to prioritize are actually receiving my attention. It’s incredible to see how often I think of Madrid and how little I practice Spanish. I wouldn’t have realized that before. It’s one of the habits I’d like to counter.

There are a few others, and I assume there always will be. I am curious to see which are still around at this time next year.

Footsie

Here’s the thing I’m thinking about today, it’s the way you took your foot out of your croc and squiggled it around on top of mine and when I laughed you said, “Feels good, right?”

It sort of did and sort of didn’t — like sleeping with a dress on, like wetting your pants, like wearing a hat indoors. It was weird to be standing next to the stone wall, looking out across the park and feel your toes through the top of my canvas shoe.

I sent you a photo the next day and I remember thinking how slim my fingers looked against my skin and I remember feeling good — pale and proud, jeans unfocused on the floor below.