This story was published October 6, 2005 in The Cavalier Daily, U.Va.’s student newspaper.
As I listened to Bloodhound Gang’s purty little new release, Hefty Fine, I found myself drifting off to a dreamland… one where I had a booming bass system and a multiple personality disorder. To put it plainly, I couldn’t think of what to say about this CD, so I decided that things would be a little spicier if I wrote in interview format. Now remember folks, the events that follow are fictional, and the characters in this program are not based on anyone alive or dead. Except me.
Molly: What’s your favorite song on the album?
T-minus Molly: The first song, “Balls Out” has the traditional BHG vibe. You know, with the hardcore guitars and fast-paced, whiny lyrics.
Molly: Does that mean the rest of the CD doesn’t sound like that?
T-minus Molly: For the most part, it’s much softer than One Fierce Beer Coaster and their older stuff. “Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss” has a Euro-trash techno sound, hence the song title. I spent most of my time listening to this track, because it’s the easiest to get into.
Molly: Which song is the worst?
T-minus Molly: “Farting with a Walkman On,” while built around a great premise, falls flat as far as actual “music” goes. But as an album, Hefty Fine represents pretty well.
Molly: It represents?
T-minus Molly: Yes.
Molly: Could you explain what you mean by that?
T-minus Molly: No.
Molly: Moving on then, I’ve got some lyrics to quote: “Vulcanize the whoopee stick in the ham wallet/Cattle prod the oyster ditch with the lap rocket/Batter dip the cranny ax in the gut locker/Retrofit the pudding hatch with the boink swatter.” What does that mean to you?
T-minus Molly: They’re all euphemisms for uh, genitalia. Now, the lyrics may seem crude and inappropriate, but that’s really what BHG is all about. They’re childish, but we all enjoy a little immaturity every now and then.
Molly: Good point. Everyone remembers the lyrics to the 2000 smash hit “The Bad Touch.”
T-minus Molly: Also known as “The Mammal Song.”
[Both sing]: “You and me baby/Ain’t nothin’ but mammals/So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”
Molly: In any case, it’s about time to wrap things up.
T-minus Molly: You gonna wrap up your boink swatter?
Molly: Whatever. So should I buy the album or not?
T-minus Molly: You should.
T-minus Molly: Bloodhound Gang is a lot like Tenacious D. They have wildly immature lyrics and so-so fashion sense, but the music is catchy as hell.
Molly: Kind of like an STD for your ear.
T-minus Molly: Hey, way to be lewd. Get out of here.
Reader, thanks for sticking around. Next week I’ll be back on my game, especially if I get a cranny ax in my gut locker. Or an STD in my ear. Whatever that means.