Humor

This story was published in 2007 for FastWeb, an online education resource and scholarship search engine.

College is like a colander — it strains things. Mostly relationships. Mostly relationships with your parents. The way I see it, there are two types of parental predicaments. The first is when you fight over issues that hadn’t surfaced when everyone was living together during high school. The second is when kids begin to see their moms and dads as people instead of parents — faults, flaws and all.

Many students parent-proof their dorm rooms before a visit from the folks. They remove curse words, references to drugs or alcohol, and they Febreze the living daylights out of soft surfaces to remove the scent of the opposite sex. This struck me as a little paranoid when I first witnessed it, but I’ve seen this frantic overhauling so many times since that it’s about as surprising as watching a stoplight change colors.

Not only is this ritual strange, but it’s unproductive. If you and your parents disagree, tell them your thoughts and reasoning, then reaffirm your love for each other. Part of being a family is making each other feel loved, no matter what kinds of decisions anybody makes. It is unconditional love which allows growth and expansion, allows the creation of character. No matter the issue — politics, pre-marital sex, drinking, sexual orientation, study habits — it isn’t important enough for you to lose your family.

One way of dealing with this type of situation is to talk more often. Whenever I feel threatened or uncomfortable in a situation, I try to ignore it. This is not the right way to handle things. Not only has it caused unnecessarily long-term discomfort, but it often prompts the nickname “Sulky Seltzer.” I’d recommend that you make chatting with the ‘rents a pleasant experience. Furthermore, take it upon yourself to be responsible. If they call too much, tell them you’re busy and you’ll give them a ring tomorrow. Then do it. Believe it or not, there are things you have in common — the least of them being the houseplants and the most being you.

The second common problem I see between kids and their family stems from the shifting of power that often occurs during the college years. Teenagers are flung into this situation with radically different types of people — living together, eating together, getting the flu together — and we have to adjust quickly and figure out how to understand each other. All this analysis of character is bound to rub off. As you gain more independence and authority (even if it’s just legally, with your 18th and 21st birthdays), that means your parents have to relinquish their vice-like grip; when things are about even steven, you’ll start viewing your family objectively. My most important piece of advice is: have patience.

As you begin picking them apart, as you inevitably will, remember that a large part of you is them. Their habits and preferences shaped and guided your entire life. Even if you swear you’ll never be like your dad, it’s from him that you learned what you didn’t like. I got lucky; since I’ve gone away I’ve discovered that I like my mom and dad as people as well as bill-payers. (Phew.)

Think of how much is illuminated when you put a light source farther away from an object; you can see more. The same is true with people. Physical distance acts like a lamp and often sheds light on things you didn’t notice when you were close to the situation. College is that light — behave with patience and grace, and your relationship with your parents will be sunny, no clouds in the sky.

This story was published in 2007 for FastWeb, an online education resource and scholarship search engine.

I’m a good person. I’m nice to children and old ladies; I don’t kick dogs or cats. I try to eat right and exercise. I always use the correct amount of postage. I don’t pay taxes, but if I did, I’d pay them on time. No, ahead of time!

All of this serves to highlight the absurd fact of the matter – I can’t get a job. I’m not talking about internships or career opportunities. No, I’ve had more of those than you can shake a résumé at. I’m talking about good, ole, retail, waitressing, babysitting jobs. It seems I have to live my college life entirely unhirably.

Many college students view breaks from school as money-earning periods along with relief from homework. This sounds great, especially to your tired, professional wage-earning parents. The problem arises when high school whippersnappers sneak in and steal our jobs before we get home from school! Yes, my collegiate friends. We are being stabbed in the back by our younger brethren! Stab, stab, they go, until every last paying place is taken.

Fine. That’s not how it happens. But kids who worked jobs during the year stay on, and every parent in their right mind shouts at their offspring to sign themselves up before the college kids get home. It makes us sound like the plague.

I have never held a part-time summer job, but the summer two years ago was my worst experience yet. I was interning as a reporter for Richmond.com, an online newspaper based out of – you guessed it – Richmond, Virginia. I worked from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. five days a week, and during those steamy late afternoons, I was bored out of my gourd.

I went to every place I’d like to work and applied for a part-time job. No dice. The next week, I applied to places I didn’t think I was right for. I remember one store devoted entirely to vintage Christmas décor. It was August, but I rosy-ed my sweaty cheeks and ho ho hoped to get the job. Needless to say, by the time I reached my third round of applications, I was getting desperate.

“I want to work long hours,” I yelled. “Pay me badly! I beg you!”

Then I, a 15-year vegetarian, decided to work at a fast-food joint. I shuffled into a Burger King, Wendy’s, Hardees, three different McDonald’s and an Arby’s. I filled out the paper saying I was free on weekends and the late shift July 4th. I shuffled out of a Burger King, Wendy’s, Hardees, three different McDonald’s and an Arby’s. I was a little dissatisfied, but I knew I’d soon be getting a paycheck.

No one ever called. I was not hired at any of the fast-food places. Now, I’m a U.Va. student with a 3.4 GPA, two majors and a minor and … well, it’s unimportant. The real message I’m trying to convey is that just because you’re qualified, doesn’t mean you’ll get the gig.

The way to prevent this situation is to get the ball rolling early – we’re talking April – and you’ll save yourself rejection later. Take a spring weekend and go home to beat the rush. Tell them you’re coming and have your stuff together. Also, send word through your friends and family that you’re looking for a job. At least if none of them have an offer, they can keep their eyes open on your behalf. Look for seasonal jobs as well – winter-time ones would be things like stacking wood and summery stints include mowing lawns or washing cars.

Finally, just try to be a good person. And prepare for the worst.