Writing

This story was published October 6, 2005 in The Cavalier Daily, U.Va.’s student newspaper.

As I listened to Bloodhound Gang’s purty little new release, Hefty Fine, I found myself drifting off to a dreamland… one where I had a booming bass system and a multiple personality disorder. To put it plainly, I couldn’t think of what to say about this CD, so I decided that things would be a little spicier if I wrote in interview format. Now remember folks, the events that follow are fictional, and the characters in this program are not based on anyone alive or dead. Except me.

Molly: What’s your favorite song on the album?

T-minus Molly: The first song, “Balls Out” has the traditional BHG vibe. You know, with the hardcore guitars and fast-paced, whiny lyrics.

Molly: Does that mean the rest of the CD doesn’t sound like that?

T-minus Molly: For the most part, it’s much softer than One Fierce Beer Coaster and their older stuff. “Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss” has a Euro-trash techno sound, hence the song title. I spent most of my time listening to this track, because it’s the easiest to get into.

Molly: Which song is the worst?

T-minus Molly: “Farting with a Walkman On,” while built around a great premise, falls flat as far as actual “music” goes. But as an album, Hefty Fine represents pretty well.

Molly: It represents?

T-minus Molly: Yes.

Molly: Could you explain what you mean by that?

T-minus Molly: No.

Molly: Moving on then, I’ve got some lyrics to quote: “Vulcanize the whoopee stick in the ham wallet/Cattle prod the oyster ditch with the lap rocket/Batter dip the cranny ax in the gut locker/Retrofit the pudding hatch with the boink swatter.” What does that mean to you?

T-minus Molly: They’re all euphemisms for uh, genitalia. Now, the lyrics may seem crude and inappropriate, but that’s really what BHG is all about. They’re childish, but we all enjoy a little immaturity every now and then.

Molly: Good point. Everyone remembers the lyrics to the 2000 smash hit “The Bad Touch.”

T-minus Molly: Also known as “The Mammal Song.”

[Both sing]: “You and me baby/Ain’t nothin’ but mammals/So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”

Molly: In any case, it’s about time to wrap things up.

T-minus Molly: You gonna wrap up your boink swatter?

Molly: Whatever. So should I buy the album or not?

T-minus Molly: You should.

Molly: Why?

T-minus Molly: Bloodhound Gang is a lot like Tenacious D. They have wildly immature lyrics and so-so fashion sense, but the music is catchy as hell.

Molly: Kind of like an STD for your ear.

T-minus Molly: Hey, way to be lewd. Get out of here.

Reader, thanks for sticking around. Next week I’ll be back on my game, especially if I get a cranny ax in my gut locker. Or an STD in my ear. Whatever that means.

This story was published October 27, 2005 in The Cavalier Daily, U.Va.’s student newspaper.

I’ll admit it — I think soccer is pretty lame. I’ve never been any good at it, despite my lifelong obsession with Great Britain and all things English. Even if they can’t tell football from football, I’ve always thought the grass is greener on the other side of the ocean.

Despite my interest, I still consider David Beckham in terms of Posh Spice, I figure red cards are things that come in the mail on Valentine’s Day, and it would never occur to me to express my joy at winning the 1999 World Cup by yanking my shirt over my head. (That’s right, Brandi Chastain. I’m talking to you.)

Green Street Hooligans is the story of Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood), an American expelled from Harvard for taking the fall for his druggie-with-a-famous-father roommate. He flees to England to his sister’s (Claire Forlani) home and makes friends with her brother-in-law, Pete Dunham (Charlie Hunnam). Through Pete, Matt is introduced to the underworld of British football hooliganism. He gets in numerous fights and riots, is chased by the police and blooms from an American journalism major into a proper English gang member.

In a press release, director and co-writer, Lexi Alexander said, “The real football fans [were always] in the D-stand: D for damage. They had no seats there — it was standing room only. … At each match, a white flag was tied to the fence in front of the D-stand that read: City Boys, Mannheim Hooligans.” (Author’s note: City Boys is the name of the football firm and Mannheim is the name of the city. Just so we’re all on the same page here. I know foreign words can be confusing.)

“Hooligans were the fans hated by football officials, ridiculed by the press and fought against by the police,” Alexander said. “Yet every team had them. They loved the game, but they equally loved the riots they would organize with hooligans from the rival team after a match.”

Green Street Hooligans takes Elijah Wood a long way from his role in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. There’s not a scent of Frodo in this film, that’s for shire. (Oh go on, you know you love a well-placed hobbit joke.)

Green Street Hooligans is self-distributed by small-time English company Odd Lot Entertainment, which means Friday, Oct. 28 at 7 p.m. in Newcomb may be the only time you’ll get to see it. I think it’ll be a real kick in the crumpets.